Let's Talk Ya'll

Doctor McDreamy

For the longest time I had a MAJOR crush on my dermatologist. We met, we spoke, we laughed, he checked my moles……it was lovely. That was only the first visit….Actually, the first visit was a disaster but I kept coming back for more….

First, let me let you in on a little secret…..when searching for new doctors, I like to go through a little screening process to ensure that I get the single, hot, and southern, err, the most appropriate doctor in my plan. Luckily, Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield allows me to search for doctors and then see their stats online such as age, college background, etc. With a little deductive reasoning, I can usually pick out a nice, young doctor who is obviously destined to be my soulmate. Searching for my dermatologist was no exception, so after intensive research, I landed on the perfect match, let’s call him Dr. H. Dr. H was 32 and completed his education in South Carolina…….score!  

For my first appointment, the nurse informed me that Dr. H would be doing a routine body screening for suspicious moles and that I would need to strip down to basically nothing. I waited in my paper robe wondering what Dr. H would look like and if we would live in NYC or Charleston once we married. Dr. H walked in and he was exactly as I pictured, tall, dark, and handsome. He immediately started chatting me up (as most doctors do but I of course, assumed he was flirting), so I put on my strongest southern accent and flipped my hair a few times. This is what ensued:

Dr. H: Sooo, how are you today?

Me: I’m fyyyyyne. How are youuuu?

Dr. H: I am great. Where are you from??

Me: Noooorth Carroliiiina. Youuu?

Dr. H: South Carolina…….Charleston. I went to……

Me: (interrupting) Get out of towwwyn! I luuuuuv Charleston! No waaay!

Dr. H: Yeah. Great place!

My plan was working! The conversation continued smoothly as he basically looked at every inch of my unclothed body. I just kept chatting away as though we had been dating for years and then he asked me to scoot down the examining table so that he could look at my back…..For most people, that is pretty much a straight forward task, but for me not so much. You see, I was too busy talking to notice when to stop scooting. So…….I fell off the table and landed on the floor. It was awesome. I should have thrown in the towel, or paper robe at that point because the game was over. But no, I just laughed it off and continued on with the delusional idea that the doctor was SO flirting with me. He gave a puzzled look and told me that everything looked fine and that I could get dressed. Most people would sit on the table and patiently wait for the doctor to leave the room, then they would begin to get dressed. Not me!!!!! I was so caught up in the romance that I just got up from the table and started putting on my clothes…..just like that. He was still filling out the paperwork as I kept talking and began taking off my robe and picked up my bra……Oh, wait. OH GOD! I slowly realized what I was doing and saw the look of confusion/embarrassment on Dr. H’s face. I sheepishly put my paper robe back on and sat down on the table praying for him to leave the room. Needless to say, I was pretty embarrassed but hoped he would find it cute. Once I was fully clothed, he said goodbye and we parted ways as I wondered when I could expect a call on my cell phone asking me to dinner. Surprisingly, that call never came…….However, I knew that our pathes would cross again when a rogue mole or skin concern appeared. I just didnt think that the skin concern would be ring worm……WTF?

In my free time, I like to volunteer. One of the places I volunteer at is a shelter for people living with HIV. Once a month, a group of us host a Bingo/Brownie night, and it really is great fun. Three days after I had volunteered at one of these nights, I noticed a small patch of red on my leg. I showed my roommate who shrieked when she saw it and diagnosed it as ring worm. After a few hours, I had convinced myself it was HIV, and called my parents to tell them the news. They, of course, told me I was ridiculous and that if it would make me feel better, then I should go to the doctor, or dermatologist. Dr. H!!!!!

I scheduled an appointment first thing the next morning and waited patiently for Dr. H to come in and tell me he loved me, and that everything would be okay. Well, not so much…..

Dr. H: (bored) So what’s the problem?

Me: Well…….I have ringworm or maybe something worse possibly related to HIV.

Dr. H: What????……Wait, what?

Me: Well, I like to volunteer and I volunteer at a shelter for people with HIV….

Dr. H: Uhh, okaaaaay.

Me: AND I THINK I CONTRACTED SOMETHING!

Dr. H: Well….let me take a look at it.

Ok, at this point I knew we weren’t getting married…or that he had the slightest interest in crazy me. He took one look at my leg and diagnosed it as……….DRY SKIN. I was embarrassed. I quickly thanked him and made a bolt for the door. As I scurried past the reception desk, the nurse gave me a knowing but sympathetic smile….I guess it happens all the time. Um, or NOT.

I no longer pick my own doctors. 

It has been five months since I last posted and it’s time to get back on the wagon. I will share the highlights of the things that transpired during my hiatus. It’s good to be back! Try the veal! Ba-dump chiiiiiiiii.

In order to avoid having the creepy baby in a men’s hairy chest t-shirt be the first thing you see when you click on my blog…….here is a funny, albeit embarrassing post.

Today I ran a few errands on my lunch break. One of these errands was to stop by the dreaded Duane Reade where at any given time during the day, the wait time in line is at least 20 minutes. I was standing in the line to check out when I realized that the past few songs that were playing in the store were awesome. I thought to myself, “Wow, who knew Duane Reade had such great taste in music?” As I got closer to the register, I heard a song from a soundtrack that no one I know has ever heard of, so I got super excited! I got to the register and was about to ask the cashier who had put on these awesome tunes when I realized the tunes were coming from the HEADPHONES. IN. MY. EARS. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I was listening to my own i-pod………not the magical Duane Reade store soundtrack. Uhh, I think I can seriously say TGIF. Someone’s had a looooooong week.